the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize