Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
