This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
