I just pynch a tree in the face
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
