I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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