So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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