I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
