I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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