Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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