WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
