Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
