My cat gives me a boner
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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