then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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