next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize