Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
