Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
