once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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