I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
