Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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