two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize