I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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