Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
