Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
