at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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