Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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