You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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