Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize