this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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