Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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