I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Randomize
