Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
