I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
