I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
