this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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