Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
