ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
