508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
