"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
