I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I intend to get homeless drunk
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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