i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
