one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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