Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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