you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
