why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize