so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
