When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
