Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
