I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Found the puke drawer
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
