We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
