how can u be prego again
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize