the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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