hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently the secret to your success is patron
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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