The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
