woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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