I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
