I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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