she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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