WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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