just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
