Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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