I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
