I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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