really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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