So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm too high and old for this...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
