You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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