I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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