Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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