i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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